Pandemic. Recession. Civil unrest. As the election approaches, the Republican Party is panicking.

 

"We have no message. We have no leadership," said a dejected GOP operative. "If we don't come up with something really shitty really soon, we're toast."

And then the president had a great idea. A terrific idea: "I'll kidnap myself!" 

 

The plan went off flawlessly. Late last night, a group of "terrorists" sneaked past White House security, grabbed the president off his twitter-toilet, and whisked him away in a black garbage bag. The next morning, the news broke to a shocked nation.

 

"As of now, the president's location is unknown," said an emotional press secretary Daisy Bubbleberry. "It's time to stop hating and start praying." Within minutes, the country forgot about the 110 thousand dead and the 40 million unemployed, and threw its undivided support behind the president in a show of lockstep love. "I never liked the president," said average citizen Steve Squashburg, "but now that terrorists have kidnapped him, I love him more than my own family."

 

Then the YouTube video appeared around lunchtime. The world watched in horror as the president sat tied to a chair, his suit stained with fake blood, his hair tragically out of place. He looked convincingly resolute and defiant as the "kidnappers" read their list of conditions:

 

The White House refused to surrender to these "outlandish demands". America held its breath as the days ticked by. Meanwhile, the president's approval rating shot through the roof. "I think we fixed the ratings problem," said GOP mastermind Braxton Glockstock. "The longer he keeps himself tied up, the brighter our future gets."

The next YouTube video featured the president with a fake black eye and arm cast. The president gloated. "I might even go for a neck brace and a walker. At this point I can just golf my way to Election Day!" He untied himself and punched himself in the face a few more times. "How do I look?" 

 

And then, one week before Halloween, a team of Navy Seals conducted a daring raid and miraculously "rescued" the president. He posed before the cameras; a bruised and bandaged hero. The public cried tears of joy. And the election was canceled to make way for a month of victory parades.

But what if the virus returns and kills a million more Americans? "No problem", said the president. "I'll just kidnap myself again."