The Department of Poverty released its annual report today: Poverty has been totally eliminated! The stunning accomplishment made world headlines.

"This is truly a first in American history," exclaimed Jeremiah Bubblemouth of the Destitute Institute. "As of today, we have wiped out poverty. Not one poor person left!"

Fireworks filled the sky, celebrating the End of Poverty. Millions of happy jobless people filled the streets, cheering their president as confetti and Snickers bars rained down. And a wave of jubilation and ecstasy spread throughout the nation.

But some were skeptical. "They wiped out poverty in three days?" asked single working mom Rachel Davis. "Last week there were hundreds of millions of poor people everywhere. You couldn't throw a rock without hitting one. And now they're just gone?"

On closer examination, poverty didn't really vanish. Last week, when no one was looking, Congress quietly de-funded the Poverty Statistics Bureau. This is the agency that keeps record of the number of people living below the poverty line. "The Poverty Statistics Bureau made America look bad!" shouted Secretary of Poverty Braxton Smirk. "Now that it's gone, so is poverty. And America is great again."

"If you have no record of it, then officially it doesn't exist," explained leftist liberal Janice Blumstein. "They've wiped out poverty without wiping out poverty at all."

"Stop whining. I don't see any poverty. Do you see any poverty?" said Senator Chest Pigfoot (R) as he admired his private vineyards from his helicopter. "The president wiped poverty off the map, and all you liberals can do is complain!"

The stock market skyrocketed on reports that poverty had been eliminated. "I should get my face on Mount Rushmore," said the president, "at least twice."

But how does one deal with millions of poor people who technically don't exist? "They're hearty, plump, and full of nutrients. And they taste just like chicken," explained Deputy Poverty Secretary Blimp Underworth. One fast food outlet will start offering McMystery Nuggets at $5.99 with mystery fries and mystery shake.

Next week, the U.S. Government plans to eliminate homosexuality, education, immigrants, and witchcraft.