The White House made a shocking announcement today. “The president has R.D.D. or Remorse Deficit Disorder. We urge the public to send its deepest sympathy and support to the president while he suffers through this terrible illness.”

Those afflicted by R.D.D. exhibit a total lack of remorse, a heightened pleasure at others’ pain, a resistance to facts, and a self-esteem that could blow the doors off a bank vault. Currently there is no proven vaccine or cure for R.D.D.

“This is an incredibly contagious disease," explained contagion expert Dr. Jill Bixley, “and it’s highly transmittable through verbal diarrhea, FoxNews, 4chan, and Twitter.”

"I'm the healthiest man alive" retorted the president, "Remorse is the disease!" He then fired expert Dr. Jill Bixley and replaced her with a pregnant Christian stripper named Bubbles.

According to the latest projections, R.D.D. can spread exponentially. One tweet can infect a million Americans per hour. Then they go home and give it to their families and friends. Repeat. “By next fall, we could a full blown Bullyocracy," warned a leading scientist, just before he was fired and replaced by a racist birthday clown with a diaper fetish.

But there is good news: scientists are designing a miracle drug known as “hydroxychloremorse”. “It’s basically liquid remorse,” explained vaccinologist Dr. McMagic, “Just one drop of hydroxychloremorse will turn any heartless, soulless monster into a whimpering simpering emo-kid.”

Experts believe that If the miracle drug works, the president will probably go into severe shock, as he has never before experienced remorse in his life.
"Unfortunately, the president enjoys his disease a little too much," said Dr. McMagic. "We hope to get the drug into him by blow-dart, spray-tan, or bacon cheeseburger enema.”