For years, the Burj Khalifa Tower in Dubai held the record as the world's tallest building. Standing at 160 stories, it was the undisputed champ with 1.6 miles of vertical prowess; a sheer, virile engineering marvel. But recently, it has shriveled to number 2. Move over little guy.
In Dallas, crowds cheered the opening of the new ErectiCorp Tower. The "extreme sky-scraper" shattered height records at a trouser-bursting 195 stories. "Here in Texas, we don't mess around," said Calvin Ballsack of the Department of Hugeness.
Indeed, the global size race is on, with ever-taller buildings over-shadowing each other on a weekly basis.
A week later, Las Vegas swaggered into the record books with the opening of the TransPhallus Tower. Swelling to almost 3 miles high, the mega-building was the undisputed lord of the sky. "This is a man's man's monolith," explained Kevin Manwich of the Ministry of Manliness. "The first seventy floors will be shooting ranges, sports bars, fight clubs and hot slots. The next fifty floors will be Cross-fit ®, followed by twenty floors of punching bags, driving ranges, steak houses and batting cages. The top floor will be a monster truck showroom and a strip club featuring the world's only Trans-Phallus-top-of-the-world lap dance."
But the TransPhallus Tower withered in shame when Miami seized the world title with the staggering 400 story Boneropolis. The colossal super-shaft is being lauded as a "Viagra on Steroids". "Boneropolis has schools, churches, prisons, condos, shopping malls, hospitals, ski slopes, slaughterhouses, restaurants and even crematories," explained Boneropolis architect Kevin Schlongworth. "You can go from cradle to grave without ever leaving the Boner."
Women have expressed a less-than-enthusiastic opinion of this bigger building bone-anza. "It's nothing more than an aerial pissing contest," said irritated woman Julie Fowler.
Whatever. The following week, Denver unveiled the GiantCockTower. Engorging to nearly 8 miles (9 miles including Denver's mile-high status) GiantCockTower will be a single residence with really high mirrored ceilings.
"It's my vertical man cave," said celebrity tax-evader Champion J. Bigstick. "But it's not enough. Next week, I'm going to knock out the walls and make it wider."
