Last month, Tommy Whitehead finally came out to his parents. "I knew I was different from my schoolmates," said Tommy, who loves lederhosen, shotguns and Wagner. "For years I was living in secret, hiding my authentic self. But I just couldn't stay in the closet any longer." Tommy's parents were initially shocked at his confession, but they have since learned to accept him and love him as a racist.

 

Tommy Whitehead's heartwarming story is part of an exciting new trend: today, America's racists are coming out of the closet in droves.

 

"Less than 2 years ago, racism still carried a stigma," explained Dr. Chad Gunsmith of The Center for Intolerance. "Growing up a closet racist was a dark and terrifying struggle. This often lead to depression, substance abuse and even suicide."

 

"I was always afraid of being outed and ridiculed by my fellow classmates," explained racist Kyle Jonsburg, "I would sneak out to Neo-Nazi clubs, dressed in my leather SS uniform to meet with and date other racists. But now I can take off my hood and wear my swastika with pride."

 

In today's more openly divisive environment, racists are free to flaunt their lifestyle. "It's liberating," said out-of-the-closet racist Tiffany Gobstock. "My contempt for minorities is now 'cool'." Tiffany now runs a doughnut shop and tattoo parlor for bigots of all shapes and sizes.

But not everyone is celebrating. "Racism is a dangerous step backwards!" complained whiny liberal Joan Schlumpman. Joan was widely condemned by the bigot community for her bigotry.  

So is racism the new black? The Center for Intolerance predicts a society free of tolerance by 2024. "America will once again be that shining beacon of hate, that ray of darkness in a world of hope," proclaimed Andy Stormpipe of the 1844 coalition. "Compassion and diversity belong in a museum," gloated Cindy Wicklebrick as she washed down a slice of white pizza with a double white chocolate brownie.