Today, Alabama officially declared itself a "sanctuary state" for rape and incest. The outside world looked on helplessly as thousands of child molesters, pedophiles and creepy uncles poured into Alabama, where they will be promised sanctuary from the over-reaching arm of the law.
"If you've ever sexually assaulted a child, then we welcome you with open arms," said Alabama Senator Will Barfoot. "If you can make it down here, we'll make it worth your while."
Conservatives praised the decision, calling it "tit for tat". "Those liberal sanctuary cities on the coast can keep their dirty aliens," said Alabama Senator Buford Outhouse. "Alabama is now a safe haven for honest, hard working rapists everywhere."
"What about all the young boys and girls in Alabama who are now easy prey for these monsters?" said Heidi Welch of Human Rights Watch. "Shut your lib-tard stink hole!" yelled Waffle House eater Horace Gobb, "At least rapists aren't killing babies!"
Some of the offenders seeking asylum in Alabama have been on the run for years.
"I'm wanted for multiple aggravated sexual assault charges against dozens of children," said Braxton Backwash of Powder Keg, Pennsylvania. Braxton received free housing and a free car due to his "refugee status." He is now a gym coach at the Roy Moore Elementary School.
"This is a great day for rape and incest!" shouted rapist Kyle Gorkman as he cut up his sex offender card with a pair of scissors. "My 10-year-old daughter will be delivering our fifth child tomorrow morning."
So far, Alabama has granted asylum to over 75,000 sex offenders. "As long as they pray, they can do as they please," said Pastor Clyde Stump. As an added benefit, Alabama has gotten rid of its minimum age of consent, all the way back to conception. "It's open season!" shouted 55 year-old Cletus McNabb, who sexually assaulted Darlene, a first trimester fetus. "Besides, she wanted it!"
