The entire human race vanished early this morning when God woke up from a particularly bad dream. God awoke in a sweaty panic, throwing His sheets off the bed. "Oh Myself! Thank Me it was just a dream!" He said, panting heavily. "These human things were everywhere. Crawling all over me like fire ants, drilling into me, eating me alive - it was horrible!" God noted that he woke up just before they were going to choke Him to death from smokestacks full of noxious gas.
"As long as you wake up before you die, you don't die in real life," said a visibly shaken God. He drank a glass of warm milk, then turned on the TV to distract Himself for a few hours.
But things didn't go so well for the human race. Being nothing more than a figment of God's imagination, civilization dissolved into total nothingness as soon as the Lord of All Creation blinked open His eyes. Billions of lives, and tens of thousands of years of art, music, love, war, industry, history and philosophy were snuffed out in a single instant.
"We had seen this coming," said Dream Commander Calvin Butterworth. "So we sent a highly trained dream-squad through a portal into God's waking life to keep Him asleep. This was our only chance to save society." The crack team had planned to transfer God into a giant cradle, where they would gently rock him to the anesthetic-smooth jazz of Kenny G. "We figured that would put him into a coma, and humanity would last forever." But they arrived seconds too late. God woke up, and all was lost.
"I usually sleep like a baby," said God. "It was probably all that over-spiced undercooked chicken from last night that fucked with my head."
"God's nightmare lasted only eighteen seconds," explained dream specialist Dr. Hans Goobler. "But that's in God seconds. That's like two hundred thousand years for us. That's enough time for us to evolve from hunter-gatherers to a full fledged technological society, complete with nuclear weapons."
The next morning, God pounded back a triple espresso and shot up some speed. "I'll take insomnia over those night-terrors, any day!" said the traumatized Lord. And so, humanity vanished in the wink of an eye, never to return. Unfortunately, the dream-squad is now trapped in God's waking life, with no way home. "We'll have to hide under God's bed where we're safe", said Paul, the dream-squad leader. "I just can't believe our entire civilization was caused by over-spiced undercooked chicken."
