The president ordered all flags raised to full-staff today to celebrate a full 24-hour period without a mass-shooting. After countless years of daily mass-shootings, all flags were permanently ordered to half-staff 24/7. "Flags flew at half-staff for so long, we even considered chopping off the top halves of all flag staffs for extra firewood", explained James Wedmore of the Flag Institute.
The flags will be raised to the tops of their staffs tomorrow morning at 6:00am, barring any sudden outburst of gunfire or act of mayhem. Special counseling centers are being set up around the country to help citizens deal with the sudden, unexpected lull in terror.
"How are we supposed to adapt?" said trauma enthusiast Janice Elbow. "I click on the news this morning and no body counts? No active shooters? No lockdowns, police killings or acts of dastardly cowardice that bear the hallmark of ISIS?" Many are ill-prepared for the flag to be raised to full-staff. Little 6 year-old Johnny Santos looked up in amazement. "Is that what all the extra flag pole is for?"
Some Americans, fearful of the specter of non-violence, came up with desperate excuses to keep the flag at half-staff. "My iPhone fell into the garbage disposal", complained Willard Dipstick of Plano, Texas. "I had some really shitty, cold pizza last night," said a visibly shaken Becca Balsam of Boca Raton. "I had to wait in line at Starbucks for at least five or six minutes yesterday!" said Howard Schluff, as he rocked back and forth in a fetal position, "Someone, please tell the President to keep the flag at half-staff!"
But officials are sticking with the schedule. "We can't let every hangnail or clogged drain be cause for a national day of mourning", said Clarence Webb, Secretary of Flag Raising, "The flags go up tomorrow. Full-staff. Deal with it."
But plans to go full-staff ran into trouble last night during a rehearsal. The pulley systems on all of the nation's flagpoles had rusted shut, after months of non-use. After several failed attempts, the flags wouldn't budge from their half-staff positions. "This looks like an act of terror", said Secretary of Terror Jack Smiggs. "But we will not give into fear and let these flags droop at half-staff. We will prevail, even if takes Viagra to get them up!"
